Lilah
At the beginning of the year, my dream was to perform in the end-of-year showcase. Now, here I am, waiting to take the stage with Asher. I'm doing my best to soak in the excitement and atmosphere, to appreciate what I've accomplished and achieved this year, but I'm too focused on not messing up. Asher stands close, his shoulder touching mine as we wait. Although he doesn't say it, I can feel his silent reassurance in the strength and confidence and the protective position he stands in next to me. Nonetheless, my stomach churns with nerves as Mr. Watkins places a hand on my shoulder, signalling that they're ready for us.
The stage lights are dim, but I feel overheated from my nerves as Asher and I step out from behind the blush-red curtains where we've been waiting. My heart races with both excitement and fear as we take our seats, arranged on stage for us. The room is packed with alumni and industry bigwigs, all eager to see what we can do. I know I'll be offered a spot at the Australian University of Music, barring a complete disaster tonight. Asher and I have rehearsed this song countless times this year; I can play it in my sleep. We're ready.
As we begin to sing, the music takes over, and I forget everything except Asher and this song about impossibility. The message of our song, the words about impossibility, resonate more strongly than before. Four months ago, Asher and I were still skirting around the connection between us. Ethan still posed an obstacle. Now, Ethan knows and has given us his blessing, but our careers and circumstances are poised to pull us apart in a matter of weeks.
As the song reaches its climax and Asher and I sing together, I become emotional. Asher's voice still blends seamlessly with mine, and, thankfully, the emotion in my voice doesn't hinder our performance; it enhances it.
It was easier to hate you. Can't we turn back the clock? Longing for the impossible. Now this is all we'll have Me: Yeah, this is all we'll be Asher: Because, baby, we're impossible. Both of us: Yeah, we're impossible.
I've known all along that saying goodbye to Asher at the end of the year would be difficult and painful. However, as we sing together, our voices melding in perfect harmony, the agonizing realization that I'm in much deeper than I ever intended forces me to sing around the tennis ball-sized lump in my throat. As our eyes lock, the intensity of the moment swells, and there's a magnetic pull between us that's almost impossible to ignore.
Tonight, he looks every bit the sexy rock God, dressed in all black, with his longish dark hair and his dark eyes. Asher exudes confidence and power at the best of times, but it's more subtle off stage. On stage, he's irresistible. It's as if a raw energy courses through him, igniting a fire that burns brightly, drawing me in like a moth to a flame. As our gazes remain entwined, I can't help but feel the weight of how much I want him, a need that seems to intensify with every beat of my racing heart.
I dove into this relationship with Asher, trying to savour every moment, every stolen kiss, every touch that sent shivers down my spine. I thought I was holding back a part of myself, keeping a piece of my heart guarded, aware that the end was looming. But now, sitting here with him, feeling the electricity and the gravitational pull he has over me, I know that when he leaves, it's still going to hurt more than anything I've experienced before.
Too Much at stake. Pretend we don't ache. Regret every chance we didn't take. If we'd dared to love before turning to hate…Baby, we wouldn't be where we are.
As Asher plays his guitar and I sing the final part of this song, the finality and inevitability of this moment—the fact this might be the last time we play together for who knows how long—make finishing without crying a challenge, especially when I sing the one line I changed.
You tried to hate me, now there's no way out that I can see. Can't want what I want, feel what I feel. I've lost my heart on this battlefield.
Our performance earns us thunderous applause. In fact, perhaps I'm imagining it, but I think the applause is louder for us than it has been for any of the other acts this evening. When I look at Asher, he nods in the direction of the audience. Shielding my eyes, I see people rising to their feet. As I watch, more and more people stand. Goosebumps break out all over me. I want to laugh. I want to cry.
Asher grins at me, and I grin back through tears that are equal parts joy and sorrow. He reaches out and squeezes my hand, a look of intense pride in his eyes as well as tender understanding. I have no doubt he could sense how close my emotions were to the surface.
We both stand up and take a bow, then exit the stage from the opposite direction we entered. Asher and I are immediately surrounded by the staff waiting backstage. Compliments and pats on the back pour in, and the whole time I'm aware of Asher stealing glances at me—probably checking to make sure I'm okay. I desperately want to prolong the moment, to savour it with Asher, but unlike the last performance evening, when Asher and I could enjoy the rest of the acts together, he has to go on stage with MOD. Our duet was the fourth last, and MOD is closing the show.
Before we can snag a single moment alone, Ethan and the rest of MOD find Asher.
"Great job," Ethan says to us before giving me a quick peck on the cheek. "It was perfect. We'll celebrate later. But we need to get ready."
Asher throws me a regretful look. I force a smile and wish them all good luck before walking away, joining the other performers who are sitting in the section backstage. Like last time, there's a large screen set up so we can watch our fellow classmates perform. Kennedy waves to me from the front of the section, but she's surrounded by people because she was one of the first acts to go on. So, I sit next to Gayle Munroe, who performed a fantastic acoustic solo.
Her eyes light up when she sees me. "Lilah, you and Asher killed it out there. I haven't heard the audience react like that to anyone else all night."
"Thanks, Gayle."
I remember when Asher said I'd never outperform Gayle Munroe for a solo. He was right, I suppose. My lips twitch as I imagine he never would have envisioned he and I would write a duet and make it in as a duo. What a ride this year has been.
"Working with Asher has been good for you," Gayle says.
I nod. "He's taught me a lot."
She tilts her head to the side. "No, I don't think it's what he's taught you. I've overheard you working on a couple of songs in class, and your song lyrics are deeper than ever." A grin spreads across her face. "Though maybe that is Asher's influence; his songs are full of emotions. But I actually meant I think whatever is between you and Asher is responsible for the change in your style."
I force a smile. I don't know if she's asking me or implying there's something between Asher and me, but I have no intention of confirming or denying it. What Asher and I do until he's gone is our business, and considering Asher is set to be a star and I also hope to be in the limelight, there's no reason to give anyone a hint of a scandal. It was bad enough when Ethan had the outburst at prom. Since then, everyone assumes we parted ways or stopped anything that might have been romantic, which we did. No one knows we got back together—well, except for Ethan, Mum, possibly Jesse, and Kennedy.
Fortunately, I'm saved from having to continue the conversation when MOD takes the stage, and everybody quiets down because no one wants to miss their performance.
Every time I see the band together on stage, I’m blown away. And tonight’s performance only compounds what I already knew about them being destined for greatness. It’s always been there in the back of my head, you know, this quiet knowledge I’m living with rockstars, but the boys are ridiculously grounded considering how talented they are. Maybe because Jesse has been so intent on them finishing school and living with some normalcy in their lives until they graduate. But school is nearly done. And it’s too easy to see they were born for the big stage. That any normalcy or semblance of a normal life has just been an illusion.
Watching Asher work the stage, owning every inch of it with confidence and charisma, I can't help but marvel at how in command he is, effortlessly drawing the audience in and making them hang on his every word and note. The way all four of them, but especially Ethan and Asher sing together is like watching something magical before the rest of the world. Like a fleeting moment of wonder you know you’ll have to share with the world one day, but right now it belongs to us.
Once again, my throat tightens with emotion.
Only after the song is over do I look down and realize that, at some point, Gayle was squeezing my hand. Or maybe I was squeezing hers. It's a bit strange, and I let go immediately.
She laughs. "Sorry, I just get really excited when I see them perform. It's like witnessing something incredible before it belongs to the rest of the world."
Isn't that precisely what I was thinking? I can only nod in agreement.
"How does it feel to be their stepsister?"
I exhale. "There have been highs and lows."
She smirks. "Mmm, I'll bet. Hey, I meant to ask you, did you apply to AUoM?"
I nod. "Why?"
"Me too! Maybe we can room together."
I give her a small smile. "Maybe."
Gayle has never been mean or bitchy to me. In fact, she's considered one of the nicest people at school; I just don't know her particularly well. We've had different friendship groups. Still, if she's keen, maybe it's a chance to get to know her better. She is a brilliant songwriter, as Asher once pointed out to me, top of the class. So, she's another musician I could possibly learn from.
"Who knows, maybe we could even start a girl band!" she exclaims. "I'm joking, of course. I'm much more of a solo artist, and I know you are too. Taylor Swift, we're coming for you."
I laugh, finding the idea of starting a girl band amusing.
All the lights go on backstage just as MOD make their way off stage, undoubtedly receiving a standing ovation. The showcase is officially over, and now is the part of the night where we're expected to mingle. Since all the seats are set up in the auditorium, the mingling happens backstage. The school has a very large area for that exact purpose, a spacious room with a bar and drinks station for people to mingle in these precise circumstances.
I turn around and see Asher. He sees me too and starts in my direction, but before I can meet him, he's intercepted by someone, and Mrs. Reiner beckons Gayle and me. "I have someone I'd like for you to meet, ladies. Come with me."
My heart races with the knowledge of who it's likely to be. Gayle gives a short squeal beside me. Sure enough, Mrs. Reiner proudly introduces us to the Dean of the Australian University of Music, Dean Hanley, and for a moment, I'm too distracted by nerves to think about anything other than how long I've wanted this.
"Fantastic performance, both of you," Dean Hanley says, shaking our hands. "Our school is so fortunate to be receiving this level of talent."
Gayle and I make small talk with the dean. By the time the conversation comes to a natural conclusion, I'm excited and can't wait to tell Asher about the meeting. I search for him everywhere, but as soon as I spot him talking to Mr. Watkins near one of the drink stations, I hear someone calling out to me. Jesse and Mum approach quickly, a man I don't recognize trailing them.
Her eyes are as bright as her smile. "Wonderful job, sweetie." She hugs me tight. "You were amazing. You're going to be a big star."
Jesse gives me a kiss on the cheek. "Lilah, you were fantastic! Knocked the socks right off me."
I beam at him, loving the pride I see in his eyes before my attention turns to the man with Jesse. He must be in his fifties, smartly dressed in a navy suit, his white-blond hair slicked back.
Jesse places a hand on the man's shoulder. "Cal, this is my stepdaughter, Lilah."
"Brilliant song, young lady."
His accent is unmistakably American, and I have to force myself to thank him and smile because I suddenly have a very bad feeling I know who this is.
"Lilah, this is one of American Records' best producers, Mr. Whittaker."
"Nice to meet you," I say, my stomach sinking to my feet.
Jesse waves Asher, Ethan, Declan, and Cameron over to us, the four members of MOD. I take a step back and stand with my mother as Jesse introduces them to Callum.
No, not introduces them. Re-introduces them.
"Stunning performance, boys. I can't believe how much you've improved since the last time I was here. I want to get you into the studio as soon as possible." He claps his hands together gleefully. "You're going to make me so much money. And what a set of heartbreakers. Tell me none of you have girlfriends."
There's an awkward pause, and I can't look at the group as no one speaks.
"Never mind," Mr. Whittaker says. "They won't last when you start touring. You boys are only young anyway. You've got the rest of your lives ahead of you, and let me tell you, the women are going to eat you up. Are y'all ready for the upcoming move? We have a condo…"
Mr. Whittaker runs the four through what they can expect for their accommodations. He tells them they've already got collaborations lined up, and performances are mentioned. I can see the excitement building in Asher and Ethan's faces. Their dreams came true some time ago, but they've had to wait to take this step. Now it's right in front of them – the next part of their journey.
I want to be happy for them. I am happy for them. But never has the chasm between where they are and where I am felt larger than it does right now. They've made it, and I still have a long way to go. It's not jealousy I feel. I don't mind hard work, and this was the path I set for myself. I want to do this on my own. But it's the difference in the stages of our careers that makes things seem all the more impossible for Asher and me. Breaking up seemed like the only course of action when the band left, but I'm not sure how to do that now. I'm not sure how to break up with him when he leaves. I don't know how to say goodbye.
But how can I not? They're leaving, and I'm staying behind. It feels like we just got back together, and now it's almost over for Asher and me. Moreover, we can never be together the way I wish we could be. Our romance was destined for the shadows, so it doesn't cause waves with Ethan or for MOD or for me. So it can't cause a scandal. I can never have him, never be with him. Not the way I want to be. Loving him is something I have to keep to myself, and when the rest of the world claims him, I'll be left with nothing but memories of the short time we had together in secret.
Suddenly, Asher glances my way, and our eyes meet. I try to smile back, but my heart feels as if it's on fire and my eyes are stinging with unshed tears.
"How about a drink? Can we do that, Jess?" Mr. Whittaker asks Jesse. "They're all of age now, aren't they?"
Jesse nods. "My two are eighteen, and Declan and Cam are nineteen and twenty."
"You don't mind if I take them out for a celebratory drink, do you? You can all come. You and Cait, and your lovely stepdaughter." Mr. Whittaker winks at me.
Jesse glances at me, and so do Mum and Asher. I think Mum reads me perfectly because she puts a hand on Jesse's arm and says, "You go. I'm tired, and Lilah is too. We'll meet you at home." When Mum looks at me, I nod.
Asher looks between his brother and me. And when his dark eyes meet mine, I see the conflict tearing at him. He wants to be with me, but he needs to be with his brother and his band.
"Go," I mouth. "I'll see you later."
He looks less than pleased, but then Ethan puts his hand on Asher's arm and says something, and Asher nods, even as a frown passes over his face. In a moment of sudden clarity, I understand in more depth what Asher and Ethan have been fighting about: a girlfriend being a distraction. I see that Maddie and Ainsley weren't because the brothers never loved either of them. Asher's love for me, and even Ethan's before that, were a distraction from their priority. Both of them need to focus on the band and the band entirely. There isn't really room for anything else, not in the world they're about to step into. There isn't room for anyone else. Not now. And loving someone, trying to maintain a relationship under the circumstances they're about to find themselves in, is just too difficult.
Jesse kisses Mum goodbye, and then he walks out with Mr. Whittaker and MOD, leaving Mum and me standing there. All it takes is one look full of compassion from my mum, and the tears I've been forcing back since I played on stage with Asher finally spill down my cheeks.
Mum wraps her arms around me and whispers in my ear that it will all be okay. That I will be okay. That I'm strong and talented, and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. She tells me she loves me and she's proud of me. She tells me this will hurt like nothing I've ever known, but I'll get through it.
I wish I could believe her.
Definitely need more than 2 per week 🥺
2 per week if you can. My heart bleeds for her I was crying at the last part! By the way I love your song battlefield! I wish you would share all the lyrics with us on a message!