Asher
“Earth to Asher. Are you here with us tonight?”
Pushing my dinner plate away, I look at my brother. “Of course I’m here.”
Lie. My thoughts are with the girl at home—my stepsister—the one I know is freaking out over the duet we perform tomorrow.
She isn’t the only one freaking out.
Every time I sing a song, I lay my soul bare. With this new duet Lilah and I put together this week, however, I’m exposing more than I ever have before. Suddenly, surviving this year without damaging my relationship with my brother beyond repair seems unlikely. Especially as my feelings for Lilah spin further out of control.
The potential fallout has us both on edge.
Ainsley snickers. “Sure you are. More likely, you’re thinking about Lilah and your lurve song.”
I wish Kennedy were here to tell her to shut the hell up. Now, the job falls to me. I cross my arms and lean back in my chair. “Fuck off, Ainsley.”
She gives me an amused look. “Someone’s touchy.”
Everyone at this table at the Bayview is touchy about my duet with Lilah. No one more than my brother. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, make him understand. His response? “Of course I want Lilah to make the showcase.”
Even so, the tension between us seems to grow by the day. I think he would prefer Lilah not make the showcase if it means Lilah and I spend less time together.
And Maddie? She’s made it clear she doesn’t want me to stand up in front of everyone at school and sing a love song with my stepsister.
As for Ainsley…she does nothing but bitch me out and take verbal jabs, not just at me, but at Lilah, too. Because I pushed Ethan into her arms, I’ve sucked it up and kept my mouth shut, but tonight I’ve reached my limit.
Narrowing my eyes at her, I say, “I’d ask you what your problem is, but I already know. Your jealousy is ugly, Ainsley.”
Ainsley’s smirk turns into a scowl. The daggers in her glare are still a relief from her constant smug attitude.
“I’m not jealous.”
“Sure.” I smirk. “You’ve been a bitch to Lilah since you started dating Ethan. If you’re worried about Ethan leaving you, maybe work a little harder at being decent.”
“Screw you, Asher.”
“You couldn’t pay me enough.”
Her face reddens. “You’re the indecent one, letting Lilah write love songs about you.”
“It’s. A. Duet.”
“Bullshit. She wrote a love song about you, and you know it.”
Leaning back in my chair, I spear her with my gaze. “Did you walk into Lilah’s room and read her lyric book?”
Her scowl deepens.
“You did, didn’t you?” I look at my brother. “Did you know about your girlfriend wandering our house and looking through stuff she has no right to?”
It’s Ethan’s turn to scowl. “I have no idea what you’re talking about right now.”
I know my brother well enough to see he’s telling the truth. He really is clueless. Unlike Ainsley. She’s gunning for Lilah now the way she gunned for her at Cait’s birthday dinner.
“You went into Lilah’s room, went through her things, and read her music journal. That’s despicable.”
“Despicable?” she spits. “You’re in a relationship and you’re writing love songs with your sister.”
“That’s none of your business, though, is it?”
Ainsley looks like she wants to stab me, and she looks to Ethan and Maddie for support. Maddie has said barely anything this evening and she’s sitting stiffly, a deep frown marring her face. I don’t expect it to vanish any time soon. We’ve come to a crossroads and it’s beyond time I do what I’ve put off for so long.
My brother just shakes his head before asking solemnly, “Did you do that, Ainsley? Go through Lilah’s stuff? Read her journal?”
Huffing, she crosses her arms across her chest. “So what if I did? Maddie is my friend, and she has a right to know-”
“Know what?” I scoff. “The private thoughts inside Lilah’s head? Kennedy was right, you really are an idiot.”
“Idiot? I’m not the one getting ready to stand up in front of the senior class and our parents and sing about falling for a family member.”
I shake my head and push my chair back. “You’re right,” I tell my brother. “I’m not here.” I glare at Ainsley. “Probably because the company is shit.”
Her flush deepens. “Run away, Ash. Run home to your stepsister, and…”
She trails off when I lean over her. “I get why you’re always looking over your shoulder and trying to make her out to be evil. You’re nothing like her. You’ll never be her. You’re worried if you don’t, Ethan will leave you-”
“Ash,” Ethan warns.
I stand up straight. “What?”
He doesn’t want me to say anything? Sure, I suggested he date her in the first place? I’m not proud too proud to admit that was a mistake. Not anymore. I refuse to keep paying for it. I’m done. In more ways than one.
Maddie stands, her face red, her red painted lips turned down. “Take me home, Asher.”
“I haven’t finished,” Ethan says, motioning to his giant pasta dish.
I look between him and Ainsley. I don’t want her in my car right now or ever again, really. “Can you call Maurice or an Uber?”
When he sees the daggers I’m throwing Ainsley, he sighs, slumping over. “Yeah.”
I nod. “See you at home then.”
I walk out knowing Maddie will be right behind me.
The ride to Maddie’s is silent, probably because I turn my music up to a level that makes it impossible to talk over. I know we need to have a conversation, but I don’t want to draw it out. Better to wait until we get to her place so both of us can leave as soon as we’ve said all we need to say.
After pulling into the driveway of her parent’s mansion, I turn off my car and my music, then I turn to look at the girl I’ve been dating since early January. Maddie is beautiful, with long dark hair hanging almost to her waist. She’s a great singer songwriter, and already one of Australia’s most celebrated pop stars.
But she’s not the girl I really want.
On the surface, Maddie and I have plenty in common, but she lacks Lilah’s intensity. I don’t feel the connection with her that I have always felt with Lilah. Even when Lilah and I seemingly couldn’t stand each other, the air always crackled around us when we sparred. With Maddie, things have been pleasant, nothing to write about.
Nothing I’d ever sing about.
“I don’t want you to sing the duet tomorrow,” she tells me. “It will be humiliating.”
“For you or for me?”
She frowns. “Both. It’s wrong, Ash.”
“What’s wrong about it, exactly?”
“She’s your sister.”
“Would you quit saying that. I was nearly eighteen when our parents married.”
And I liked Lilah well before then—before our parents even met. Not that I let myself think about her like that when Ethan was with her.
“People won’t understand.”
“You mean, you don’t understand.”
She leans back in her seat. “Yes. I don’t understand, Ash. The other duet-”
“Wasn’t good enough to be top ten. I’ve told you that.”
“But-”
“I’m not pulling the plug now,” I say firmly.
Deal with it.
“If you go through with it…”
I wait for her to finish her sentence. I knew this was coming and am prepared for it. I’m ready. And if she doesn’t finish this, I will.
“Then it’s over between us.”
The relief that floods me as she utters the words is instantaneous. Our relationship has weighed me down for a while now. I’ve kept Maddie around as a shield. Not fair on her, and a dick move on my behalf. So when she mentioned she was coming to the U.S. with us, I’d felt like I was suffocating under the weight of my own stupidity.
“Then I guess this is goodbye,” I say carefully.
She sucks in a harsh breath, her eyes filling with tears. Other than liking Ainsley, Maddie is a good person, and I don’t actually like that I’m hurting her. But I can’t stay in this for her and for Ethan, not anymore.
“I’m sorry. I know this isn’t how you wanted this to go.”
With a grace I’ve come to expect from Maddie, she nods and opens her door. Before she closes it, she lowers her head and meets my gaze.
“It won’t work out for you, Asher. You must know that. Ethan will never forgive you-”
“For singing a song? C’mon-”
“You know it’s more than that.” She dares me to disagree. I don’t.
“Ethan won’t forgive you,” she repeats. “MOD will fall apart, and Jesse will-”
“What? Regret bringing me home.”
The words explode out of me, triggered by her walking over a trip line I do my best to hide. Suppressing my fears and keeping my issues locked down is a priority, but the buttons are there and easy enough for someone to press, even accidentally. Sweat breaks across my brow, my neck burning as I imagine Jesse telling me he regrets finding me—regrets bringing me home. Letting me know I’m as worthless as the mother who never wanted me and abused me my whole life.
Maddie’s eyes soften. “I was going to say, he will regret marrying Cait and bringing Lilah into your lives if she destroys the relationship between you and Ethan. As much as you might wish things were different, being with Lilah will tear your family apart.”
She slams the door closed, and I wait for her to unlock her front door and walk inside before I start the car and head home.
Maddie is right. I’ve always known that letting myself feel the things I feel for Lilah will cause chaos and rip at the fabric of our newly blended family. The problem is that I’m not sure how much longer that can deter me from acting on what I feel. Because as much as I wish I didn’t feel the way I do about Lilah, I can’t change it. The temptation that is my stepsister is proving too much to keep resisting, and I don’t know how long until I break.
“Are you ready?”
Lilah nods, but she looks like she’s about to puke. It’s almost our turn to sing. When one pair of seniors a few seats down from us is called on by one of the teachers, I know it’s only a matter of minutes before we’re due on stage.
Reaching out, I take her hand in mine, clasping our hands together and resting them on my knee. “It’s perfect, Lilah.”
More and more, I don’t seem to be able to stop myself from touching her.
She slips me a sideways glance, looking so beautiful in her school uniform it’s an effort not to stare. Every time I look at her, I don’t want to look away. Her beauty has crept beneath my skin, making it impossible to block out now that we don’t fight each other like we used to.
“I know,” she whispers.
Her gaze darts down to our linked hands, where our fingers are currently intertwined. In the darkened auditorium, surrounded by the seniors still waiting for their turn to sing, us holding hands won’t be obvious to anyone unless they look really closely at our laps. Still, this feels scandalous. My knee is touching hers, and my heart hammers in my chest, a combination of nerves over the performance we’re about to put on and the feel of her hand in mine.
Something so simple and innocent shouldn’t have such an effect on me. Yet it does.
“It’s just a song,” I hear her whisper.
It is and it isn’t.
“It’s a great song that is going to get you noticed and show everyone what a good singer-songwriter you are,” I tell her.
Her eyes cling to my face, clearly checking I’m being sincere. “No more bubble-gum pop, right?”
A grin splits my face. “Definitely not.”
After giving her hand a quick squeeze, I take my hand back and rub it over my knee. My hands are clammy, my heart beating too fast. I’ve performed enough for nerves to feel normal, but this is different. The entire senior year is here, as well as our parents. Launching a hand grenade like the one we’re about to at my personal life has to be a mistake. Guilt and worry over the ramifications have eaten away at me all week, because this is more than just a song.
The problem?
The guilt is starting to feel normal. I’m growing accustomed to it, and it’s becoming easier to live with.
“Cassidy and Kelly.”
After glancing at the teacher beckoning us from the end of the aisle, Lilah and I make our way up to the wings and wait for the pair before us to finish their duet. Once they take their bow, we complete our journey to the seats on stage.
Once we’re seated, our guitars in our hands, I adjust my microphone so it’s the right height for me. Strumming my guitar, I keep my eyes on Lilah, waiting for her to adjust hers. When she gives me the slightest nod, I begin playing our song.
This is it. I don’t do anything half-hearted and neither does Lilah. Letting my instincts kick in, I sing to the girl beside me, giving it everything I’ve got, giving her a part of me, drawing out every word and pacing my lines perfectly.
You got the worst of me
No one would ever disagree
I did my best to hate you,
Fooling everyone, even me.
I speed up my playing, singing faster to match it as I enter my next verse.
Now you question everything,
I’ll never shake the regrets
You deserved so much more from me
But I had to deny it all,
offer apologies
That was the only way through I could see
Lilah watches me, playing along with me as I launch into the first chorus, still singing alone.
Stolen moments, stolen touches
Hide them all so no one knows
Can’t share with the rest of the world
What it is you make me feel
Too much at stake
Pretend I don’t ache
Regret every chance that I did not take
If I’d made you mine before reaching for hate,
Baby, we wouldn’t be where we are
The smallest smile pulls at Lilah’s lips, telling me she’s ready for her verses. I’ve never been more ready to hear her sing. Echoing my start, she slows down and paces her first verse.
I tried to hate you.
You made it easy while you were blind
Once you finally saw me,
I let you in, you became a friend
Speeding up, she sings and plays her second verse faster.
Now there’s a new conflict brewing, a new battle beginning
But it’s not you that I’m fighting with,
Can’t want what I want,
I shouldn’t feel what I feel
Gonna lose my heart on this new battlefield
If the world doesn’t know yet Lilah is a star, they will soon. She loves performing too much—wants this too much—she’s too magnetic when she sings like she means every word to fly under the radar for very long. I’m so fucking proud to be her partner. She launches into her chorus, lighting up the entire stage with her presence.
Stolen moments, stolen touches
Hide them all so no one knows
Can’t share with the rest of the world
What it is you make me feel
Too much at stake,
Pretend I don’t ache
Regret every chance that I did not take
If I’d seen through your mask,
I could have been yours first,
Baby, we wouldn’t be where we are
For the first time since we sat on the stage, we begin to sing together, hitting every note, our eyes locked as we reach for the intensity to lift this duet to the next level.
It was easier to hate you
Can’t we turn back the clock?
Hurts to long for the impossible
Now this is all we’ll have
Lilah: Yeah, this is all we’ll be
Asher: Because baby, we’re impossible.
Both: Yeah, we’re impossible
We both launch into the final chorus.
Both: Stolen moments, stolen touches
Hide them all so no one knows
We can’t share with the world
What this is, what we feel
Too much at stake
Pretend we don’t ache
Regret every chance that we did not take
If we’d dared to love
Before turning to hate,
Baby, we wouldn’t be where we are
Slow and steady with just my guitar now, Lilah sings softly:
You tried to hate me
Now there’s no way out that I can see
Can’t want what I want, feel what I feel
Gonna lose my heart on this new battlefield
The applause is deafening as we stand and bow. There will be time later to wonder what people think, to hear what our peers have to say, to speak with our parents. But that time isn’t now. We walk off the stage, my heart beating chaotically as it has never done after a performance. It’s a new kind of high. Technically, this is my first duet, and singing it with Lilah was a rush I wasn’t prepared for. I’m wired, feeling like I’m coming out of my skin. Singing with her…It felt just as intimate as sex.
As we make our walk through the crowd backstage, I’m aware of the space between our bodies and how much I want to bridge it, disallow it. Not reaching for her takes more effort than it should. I just want to be connected with her in some way. We’re surrounded by students and teachers, though, now that we’re backstage. Meaning I can’t do what I really want to do, drag her into a dark corner and be as close to her as I desperately want to be.
Unable to fight the impulse to touch her any longer, I rest my hand on her lower back as we look for somewhere to sit backstage. Instead of returning to the seats we used before our performance, the seniors had been instructed earlier to exit backstage and stay there. There are gym mats provided for us to sit on, and a large screen streaming the rest of the live performances.
Lilah and I make our way over to a spot on the mats that isn’t overcrowded yet. I don’t want to share this moment with anyone but her, but I don’t have much choice. We sit side by side, legs crossed, knees touching.
“That went well,” Lilah says softly.
I nod. “We’ll make the showcase.”
She offers me a small, soft smile that makes my heart bang against my ribcage. “I hope so.”
My gaze drops to her mouth, to her pouty pink lips. The desire to reach out and pull her to me so I can taste them has lust knocking the pit out of my stomach. Fuck.
It’s hitting me now. It’s over. The duet is over. And now that I’m sure we’re going to make the end of year showcase, there’s nothing left to do but rehearse the song a few more times over the coming months to make sure we stay on top of our game. My adrenaline crashes hard, leaving me tired as I think about how we’re pretty much done now. There’s no reason anymore to spend time with her.
No excuse.
All of a sudden I’m supposed to take a step back from her. I’m supposed to do what Ethan wants and back off.
“Asher, I wanted to say thank you for-”
“Don’t,” I cut her off, my voice hoarse. “It was perfect.”
And I can’t bring myself to regret it. I don’t want to regret it. The song said it all. It’s all we’ll ever have.
But it doesn’t feel like enough.
I’m scared I’ll never have enough with Lilah.
Even as I think it, more duets are finishing and we’re losing the small quiet space we found.
Anthony Remington is making so much noise, a teacher is going to tell him off soon. Shane Prepp and Dev Reddy shadow Remy’s every move as he makes his way from group to group. When he gets to me and Lilah, Remy claps me on the shoulder. “Kick arse duet, guys. You coming to the afterparty?”
“Afterparty?” Lilah asks
Remy winks. “My folks are away again.”
“We’ll be there,” I say when I see Lilah bite her lower lip.
A final chin tip on my part and Remy’s backing off to spread the word of his party to more people.
Lilah is frowning when I look at her.
“If you don’t want to go, we don’t have to,” I say. “We can stay home.”
Except I’m not sure I’m ready for the reality of what we’ve done to hit home. Right now, it feels like we’re in a bubble and I want the rest of the world to stay the fuck out of it.
“It’s not that I don’t want to go,” Lilah says softly. “I just…I’ll need to check with Kennedy to see if she’s going and how she’s getting there.”
“Why would you do that? We’ll go together, obviously.”
Her frown is so fucking cute. “But Maddie-”
“Won’t be coming.”
“But-”
“We’re over, Lilah.”
She swallows hard, her eyes searching mine. “You broke up?”
“Yeah.”
“When?”
“Last night.”
“Oh,” she says softly.
I smirk at that. “So, what do you say? Want to come to a party with me?”
“What about Ethan?”
I shrug. “He can go if he wants, but he can make his own way.”
I’m not letting Ainsley ruin my evening or Lilah’s.
“Won’t he be upset if we…?”
“It’s not that a big of a deal. We’re just hanging out, celebrating duet night with everybody else.”
Another lie. It is kind of a big deal. And I want this way too much. I’m silently begging her to say yes and come with me even though taking her to this party with me feels dangerous. Sort of like…a date.
When she says, “Okay.” Excitement makes my blood run hot, my heart racing at the thought of the night ahead.
“Good,” I nod.
Her smile is shy but happy, and I know in that moment, I’m fucked. Last night, I knew resisting her was becoming too much. I knew it wasn’t going to be long before my willpower to resist her crumbled. Now I’m taking her to a party. It’s the wrong thing to do, but I’ll worry about it tomorrow. Tonight, I just want to enjoy having Lilah by my side for a little while longer. What’s the worst that could happen in a few short hours?
A/N: To all my wonderful readers who have been waiting for the duet, sorry to keep you waiting so long. I wanted the episode to be as close to perfect as I could manage. I hope you enjoyed it. Things are about to start heating up fast between Lilah and Asher now. The next episode will be focused on the ‘afterparty’ and is called The Non-date.
Last call for Let Me Be the One ARC readers. If you’re interested, get in quick by leaving me a comment here! <3
I wanted to thank all of my readers for their ongoing support, kind words and warm wishes. I’m consistently overwhelmed by your comments and generosity. You’re the best. Seriously.
Wishing you all a happy Sunday.
Your loyal author,
I have been waiting for so long for this episode! Perfect! Amazing 👏🏼 😍
Amazing🎉🎊!! I cried!!