Lilah
My head begins to pound in time with my heart. I knew tonight was going to be a shitshow, but not once had I anticipated it would be this bad. Ainsley and Ethan heard my song. After hoping I might be able to downplay my journal entry, I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to explain my actions away.
The injustice of the entire situation sneaks up on me, and I want to lash out at both Ethan and Ainsley for going into my room and invading my privacy so spectacularly after they heard me singing. I want to yell at them for ruining my mum’s birthday dinner. At the start of the year, Ethan was one of my best friends. These days, he acts like a different person half the time.
Instead of being able to have it out with both of them, however, I’m on the backfoot.
Maddie’s green eyes flash with fury across the table at me. “You wrote a love song about my boyfriend?” She turns to Ainsley. “And why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
Ainsley offers her an apologetic look. “I didn’t know how to. We assumed that Asher and Lilah had decided to change the duet to a love song, which is gross enough. I didn’t know until now that it was really just Lilah writing love songs about Ash. Of course,” she smirks at me. “I did predict that, if you’ll remember.”
“You’re an idiot,” Kennedy tells her.
Ainsley looks at my stepbrother. “Let’s hope Lilah isn’t inclined to stalking. It’s not like you can escape her.”
I feel the blood drain from my face, the food I did manage to force down earlier churning in my stomach, along with the champagne. It feels like everyone in the restaurant is staring at me, not just my family, even though I know that can’t possibly be the case.
I have to say something, but what? Maddie still looks furious, Ainsley looks smug, and Ethan’s glare is accusing. When I look at Asher, I expect him to wear a similar expression to Ethan. Instead, he’s wearing a frown that gives little away.
“I’m sorry.” I try to communicate the message silently with my eyes. “I never meant for this to hurt you.”
As if my silent response has shaken him from his haze, he shakes his head and addresses Ainsley. “We did change our duet. You were right with your first assumption.”
I sit there in silent shock for a full ten seconds as I register what Asher has just said.
“What?” I ask at the same time as Ethan and Ainsley do.
Asher ignores me. “We wrote a new song. That was the song you heard Lilah practicing.”
Why is he covering for me? Why isn’t he throwing me under the bus? It’s what he should do. What he needs to do in order to make sure everything between him and Ethan is okay.
Maddie turns to face him, her mouth pulled down. “You wrote a love song with your sister?”
“Stepsister,” Asher corrects. “We’ve been tweaking our duet for months and we both agreed it needed more kick.”
“More kick?” Maddie repeats, her voice pitched so high I’m afraid we’re attracting attention. Even if the other diners can’t see us, chances are good they can hear us. “We’re not talking about a meal you need to add more spice to, Asher.”
“I’m aware of that, Maddison.”
The two stare off, and guilt makes my stomach continue churning as I see the effects of my actions first-hand.
She flushes. “I’m leaving everything to be with you at the end of the year.”
Asher’s eyes are glacial, his tone frostier. “I didn’t ask you to do that for me, and aren’t you doing it for your career?”
“You are unbelievable!” Ethan barks, bringing his palms down on the table.
“Ethan,” Jesse warns.
“I’m sorry, Dad, but after…” Ethan trails off, running a hand through his hair and sitting back in his chair, looking between Asher and I. “Lilah is my ex, and…” Ethan trails off, his eyes wet as he confronts his brother. “After all your promises, Ash…”
Ethan’s accusation stabs through me. He really believes his brother has betrayed him. I can’t let this go on any longer. I have to say something. I have to stop this.
I open my mouth to intervene, but Asher sees me and stops me with one look. “Don’t.”
“I haven’t broken any promises, Ethan.” Asher leans forward, his expression gentle and his tone gentler. “Don’t you remember once asking me to make sure Lilah made the showcase. You said it was important and a favour to you because it’s what she’s always wanted. You said you wanted her to have it; we both owed it to her to help. Have you forgotten your pleas from a time when you were so desperate for the two of us to get along?”
“No, of course not.” Ethan shakes his head. “But writing a love song together…?”
“Love songs perform well and often make the showcase. You know that. And it’s just a song; it doesn’t mean anything.”
“Why did Lilah say you haven’t changed the duet, then?” Ainsley pouts. “Why was Lilah singing it on her own?”
Asher shrugs. “Lilah was practicing her part. And we both decided to keep things quiet until we knew what we were going to sing. We hadn’t fully committed to the new song yet. It’s late in the game to change things and we’ve been experimenting. She didn’t say anything because it was our mutual agreement not to.”
“You expect us to believe that?” Ainsley asks, crossing her arms, looking to everyone else at the table, clearly hoping someone backs her up.
“I don’t care if you believe it or not,” Asher’s tone is far from gentle now. He looks at Ethan “Before we made the final decision, I was going to talk to you about it. I wouldn’t have just surprised you with it. We were still making up our minds.”
Ainsley reddens, clearly seeing she’s losing the battle she thought she would win tonight. “Then why were all of Lilah’s lyrics about you, Asher?”
Kennedy points her fork at Ainsley. “Weren’t you listening? Asher just said you only heard Lilah’s part.”
“I’m not talking about the song, I’m talking about the lyrics she wro…?”
She trails off, and when Ethan frowns at her, I start working on a theory.
What if only Ainsley invaded my room earlier? Maybe both Ethan and Ainsley heard me sing, but just one of them read my journal? I can’t be sure I’m right, but anger whips through me in response anyway. I wish I could rip out Ainsley’s tonsils or make her choke on her own fork. Unfortunately, if I confront her, I undo all the work Asher has just put into smoothing things over.
Ainsley glares at me before turning her attention to Jesse. “Well, I think it’s sick. A stepbrother and sister writing a song about being in love. Don’t you think, Jesse?”
“It’s sick you enjoy creating drama and trying to ruin Cait’s birthday dinner,” Kennedy says. “It’s a freaking song, not a declaration of love.”
Oh, but it is kind of that.
“Agreed,” mum says, coolly. “I think we have had enough drama for one evening, Ainsley. It’s my birthday, and I want to drop this now.”
“It’s a family conversation,” Jesse agrees, his gaze flicking between Asher, Ethan and me, worry clear in his eyes.
Ainsley rolls her eyes while still managing to look pissy. “I’d definitely say it’s a family conversation.”
Kennedy scowls. “Shut up, Ainsley. No one cares what you think.”
Unable to take anymore, I push my chair back and stand up. “Excuse me.”
Then I bolt for the bathroom because I can’t keep the entrée down any longer.
When I hear the knock on my bedroom door later that night, I’m confident I know who is on the other side. Mum and Jesse seemed willing to let the events of the evening slide for now, but I had serious doubts Asher would do the same.
Sure enough, my stepbrother stands in the hallway dressed in dark grey sweatpants and a tight blue tee when I swing my bedroom door open. His solemn expression makes me want to close the door and run from this inevitable conversation, but I motion for him to come in because we need to talk. I need to apologise.
Asher closes the door and leans his back against it. Needing space, I sit down on my bed and wait for it—the angry tirade I’m sure is coming.
I just wish he’d waited until tomorrow to deliver it because the dinner from hell left me emotionally drained. The queasy sensation I had during our agonizingly awkward meal has since dissipated, thank goodness, and I’ve brushed my teeth twice and managed to sip water. But a lingering tension still has my stomach twisted in knots. It has been one of the worst nights of my life.
And it’s not over yet.
“Why?” he asks finally. He sounds more upset than angry, and somehow that’s worse. “After we talked, I thought you got it, Lilah.”
“I did. But I…I was so worried about our duet and not making the showcase-”
“That you decided nothing and no one was going to stop you?”
“Yes,” I choke out, guilt squeezing my throat.
“So you hedged your bets by writing a solo about me? Even though you knew it could cause tension between me and Ethan?”
The knots in my stomach pull tighter, and I wish I could deny it. But I can’t sit here and tell him I hadn’t planned to sing my new song in front of our entire senior year.
I’ve always been willing to give up anything for my music, to succeed—so would Asher—but throwing his relationship with his brother under the bus makes me feel petty and small, and like the villain Ainsley always paints me to be.
“I’d ask why again, but I know why. I just thought…” he blows out a breath and pins me with a sorrow-filled look that makes my heart squeeze painfully. “I just thought you understood how important my relationship with Ethan is to me—how much I rely on it.”
Tears sting the backs of my eyes. “I do, and I need you to know I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have covered for me. You should have let me fix it. I wanted to fix it. I would have fixed it.”
Or died trying.
“I know,” his expression softens ever so slightly.
Wrapping my arms around my legs, and hugging them to my chest, I say, “My intention was never to upset you or hurt Ethan. I just…I wanted the showcase so badly. I’ve wanted it for as long as I can remember, and I know it doesn’t make it better, or right, but writing with you—writing about you—it brings out the best in me.”
Asher watches me intensely as he listens, his back still pressed against my door.
I force myself to hold the eye contact. “I told myself you and Ethan would both be gone soon, and it wouldn’t matter so much to you if I wrote a solo. But I’m not actually sure I ever would have gone through with singing it. I’d made the decision before dinner I wasn’t going to. Just, if you don’t listen to anything else I say tonight, please believe that hurting you was never my plan.”
He pushes off my door. “Where is it? The song?”
I point to the notebook on my desk. “My journal.”
As he reads it, I’m relieved he doesn’t look back at me because every feeling I’ve been struggling with is written in those pages: thoughts about kissing him, the struggle I have with constantly trying to hide my feelings for him, and the regrets that we’ll never be more to each other than we are now.
Every time I think about Ethan and Ainsley over-hearing my song, I feel like having a panic attack all over again.
“They read my journal,” I say, needing to tell him everything.
Straightening, he drags his gaze from my journal to me and frowns. “I thought they heard you sing it.”
I shake my head. “I mean, they did, but one of them or both of them were in here earlier. My journal had been opened and laid out on my desk. It’s what set my panic attack off.”
He starts flicking through the pages, pausing to read one of my later entries. “These are the words you wrote for our duet when you thought we were going to change the song, aren’t they? The night of Remy’s party?”
Certain he’s correct, I nod. “When you backed out, I added extra verses and changed the order of some of the lines.”
After closing my notebook and placing it on my desk, he joins me, sitting beside me on the bed.
Unsure how to make things better between us, I hug my knees tighter. “I really am sorry, Asher.”
“I’m sorry, too.”
“What are you sorry for?” I whisper, resting my chin on my knee and turning my body so I can look at him.
He’s sitting too close to me, and after spending weeks trying to keep a physical distance between us, his sudden proximity is messing with my head. There is no buffer between us, and after the evening we’ve had, I feel rawer and more emotional than usual. Awareness crackles between us, charging the air in my room. His scent weaves around me, and his heat reaches out to me, causing the feelings I have for him to hover too close to the surface.
His gaze is a caress that travels over me, cataloguing my hair it its messy bun, and the thin cotton pyjamas I’m wearing.
When his eyes come back to mine, his expression is softer than I deserve. “I suggested we change the duet. I gave you hope and then I smashed it.”
“You had your reasons.”
“I did, but you had your reasons for doing what you did too, Lilah.”
“Not at the expense of your relationship with your brother.”
“I’ll keep trying to talk my brother down.” He runs a hand through his hair and leans forward, elbows on his knees. “After the clusterfuck of a dinner, I actually think we should go ahead and change the duet.”
“What? Are you serious?”
He nods. “We don’t really have anything to lose now, and the song you wrote? It deserves an audience. It’s really, really good.”
“Thank you,” I murmur, warmed by his approval over something that comes so effortlessly to him. “But it’s not a duet now.”
“You had the basics for the duet before you altered it. We’ll just change a few things and I’ll add to it.”
“We can’t change it now.”
“Why not?”
“Be-because,” I stammer. “It’s too late. We only have a week left before the performance. A week,” I reiterate.
“Between your lyrics and mine, it will come together, trust me.”
“You think you’ll be able to write your lyrics that quickly?”
He shrugs. “I could, but I probably don’t need to write any new ones. I’ve got plenty of lyrics I’ve already perfected.”
“About me?” I choke out.
For the first time since he entered my room—for the first time in weeks—he smirks at me, his eyes smoky. “Yes, Lilah. I have written a lot of lyrics about you.”
My heart tries to escape from my chest, my stomach bouncing at this unexpected acknowledgement.
“Oh,” I whisper.
He looks even more amused, but only for a moment. “Did you not believe me when I said our song would have had a different ending had it not been for Ethan?”
“I did, but…”
“But?”
“But…you’re still with Maddie,” I say, reaching for the first reason that comes to mind.
And it hurts more now every time I see you with her.
He grimaces. “Yeah. I’d say it’s complicated, but…”
“Now she’ll be with you in the U.S.”
He sighs heavily. “I had no idea. Had she told me she was planning it, I would have told her not to do it for me.”
While I desperately want him to elaborate further, now isn’t the time to dig for information on his relationship. So I let it go. “You really think we can have a new duet ready in a week?”
“I do.” He stands up. “And it’s going to blow them all away.”
I stand up, too. “What about you and Ethan?”
We’re standing barely a foot apart, and I know I should step away. Instead, it’s all I can do not to inch closer.
“I’m going to do my best to remind him why we’re doing this. I need to remind him I owe you. Everything I put you through in the beginning…You’ve put up with a lot of shit from me over the years. You deserve the showcase. You deserve for me to help you. Ethan thought so in the beginning, and he just needs to remember that. He loves you, Lilah, so I’m hoping that will go in my favour.”
I scoff. “I’m not sure about that.”
Even if Ethan wasn’t the one in here reading my diary - and I don’t know for a fact that he wasn’t - he’s not my friend the way he once was.
Reaching out, Asher tucks an escaped lock of my hair behind my ear, shocking me with the heat that flares beneath his hand and travels over my skin. My heart crashes against my ribs, my lips parting as the flush spreads everywhere. We stare at each other as I listen to my heart race, his hand still touching my face. The intensity in his gaze is just as sizzling as his touch. His eyes fall to my mouth and my heart stops and my breath hitches.
When he dips his head, I lean in. The desire to feel his lips on mine is so strong that a wave of need sweeps through me, nearly knocking me off my feet as it tightens my nipples and pulses thickly in my core.
Asher lets his hand drop and steps back suddenly, leaving me off balance, my insides in chaos.
He swallows. “I have to believe Ethan will want what’s best for you.”
“And what’s that?” I ask shakily.
His mouth pulls down at the corner. “Getting into the showcase, of course.”
“Right.”
For the briefest moment, I thought he was going to say something else. Something along the lines of: “Me, I’m what’s best for you, Lilah.”
Which is absurd.
It doesn’t matter how much I want to be with Asher, he’s out of reach for many reasons: Ethan, Maddie…and the fact we’re now family. As it is, he’s putting pressure on his relationships by choosing to go through with this. Even if he’s told me the feelings in the song will be real for both of us, it’s not a declaration of intent. Nor is it a go ahead to take things further.
This song—this duet—is all Asher and I will ever have.
Here's hoping I can remember that while we’re perfecting a love song and singing it in front of an audience of hundreds.
A/N: The duet is next episode! :-D
You’ve got spark and a real talent never doubt yourself!!
It’s awesome! One quick editing you put “be”instead of “me”when asher said regret bringing me home