Lilah
Someone has read my song journal. I never leave it open. Never. When I left my room thirty minutes ago, it was shut and at the bottom of a pile of textbooks on my desk. Now it’s on top of the textbooks, and it’s opened to my latest entry - the song I wrote about Asher.
I know the song is the best thing I’ve written to date. I’m also aware that I will be sharing it with everyone at school if I use it to audition for a solo in the showcase, but I wasn’t counting on feeling so exposed before then. Nor was I prepared for the fact one of my family members – most likely one of my stepbrothers – felt justified walking into my room and reading my diary.
Okay, it’s a song journal, but it’s like a diary.
“Lilah are you ready, we need to leave.”
I startle at the sound of my mother’s voice. Standing in my doorway of my room, my mother is positively glowing in a low cut, slinky black dress. It’s her birthday and the entire family is going out to celebrate. I’m looking forward to dinner as much as a kick in the face because Ainsley and Maddie have been invited to join us for the evening.
Oh my God, did one of them read it? The two of them have been here for the past hour, and…
“Lilah?” Mum moves towards me, worry creasing her forehead. “What’s wrong?”
“Is everything okay in here?” Jesse walks in just as I start breathing faster, a high-pitched ringing distorting my hearing.
“Lilah! Something’s wrong with her, Jess!” Mum’s voice is full of panic, but I can’t even speak to reassure her. And her voice sounds like I’m underwater. Drowning.
“…panic attack,” someone’s muffled voice breaks through.
My sight is blurring, and I’m suddenly too hot in the long sleeve dress I’m wearing, sweat beading along my forehead. If I don’t sit down soon, I’m going to fall on my face. Before anyone can yell timber, strong, gentle hands hold onto me, guiding me to sit on my bed and tuck my head between my knees.
After a few minutes in the position, trying not to lose consciousness, my hearing returns, and my heart rate begins to return to normal. My vision is still a bit fuzzy, but I can see Jesse crouched in front of me. Mum stands beside him, her face pale, her eyes wide as she watches me. When I look to the doorway, I see Ethan and Ainsley are also watching. While Ethan’s face is strangely blank, Ainsley wears an enormous smirk.
My stomach twists, bile creeping up my throat. It has to have been her, right? Did she show it to Maddie? Were both girls in my room, reading my personal thoughts? Do both of them know how I feel about Asher?
“Lilah?” Jesse remains crouched in front of me, concern causing him to frown. “How are you feeling?”
I force a weak smile. “Better. Sorry.”
Mum worries her bottom lip. “Maybe we should stay home, order in.”
“No,” I protest. “I just need a minute.”
My voice comes out sounding weak, hardly surprising since I’m still so shaky, but my mum has been looking forward to this evening all week, and I will not let Ainsley ruin it for her. So what if Ainsley read my diary? Writing a song is far from illegal.
Okay, so, it’s a song about the stepbrother that I absolutely can’t and shouldn’t want, and if anyone believes the lyrics are based on fact, it could cause problems.
Who am I kidding? Sharing it is going to cause all kinds of tension in my home.
And between the two brothers.
When I wrote it, I told myself I didn’t care if it blew up my personal life, but knowing Ainsley could have read it and could mention it to anyone tests that theory and my resolve to use it for my solo.
Kennedy pushes her way into the room, looking between Mum and Jesse. She’s my plus one for the evening, and the reason I came back to my room. When she mentioned she was cold, I offered to grab her a jacket from my closet. Really, it was an excuse to get away from Maddie and Asher. Thank God, they aren’t upstairs and witnessing my freakout.
“I’ll look after Lilah,” Kennedy says, silently looking to me to see if that’s okay.
When I nod, Mum grabs my hand, squeezing it. “Honey, are you sure you’re up for dinner?”
“I’ll be fine, Mum. I just…need a moment. We’ll be down in a minute.”
Jesse wraps an arm around Mum’s waist, pressing a kiss to her temple. “We’ll meet you downstairs.”
Mum still looks reluctant to leave me, scrutinising me intensely as if I might melt down again at any tick of the clock. Eventually, Jesse starts her moving, his hand on her back, ushering her out of my room. Ethan and Ainsley follow their lead, thankfully, disappearing as well.
Kennedy sits down on the bed next to me. “What happened?”
I point to my song journal. “Someone read it.”
She jerks next to me. “What? Are you sure?”
“Yes! And it’s really bad, Ken. I…wrote a song about Asher.”
Kennedy’s eyebrows hit her hairline. “What type of song?”
My wince gives her enough information to piece things together.
“And you think someone read it?”
“I don’t think, I know. And I’m pretty sure it was Ainsley.”
She stands up, walking to my desk. Motioning to my journal, she asks, “May I?”
“Sure.”
Why the hell not? Ainsley already has if my hunch is correct.
Kennedy picks up the journal, her eyes bulging as she scans the words on the page. Once she’s done, she closes the journal quietly and joins me on the bed again without a word.
“That was…” she lets out a long exhale. “No wonder you’re freaking out about Ainsley reading it.”
“Yeah…” I say weakly.
“Clearly, you weren’t planning on sharing that with anyone.”
I swallow, my mouth suddenly too dry. “Actually, I was thinking about using it to make it into the showcase as a solo act.”
Her eyes widen. “Okay.” She presses her lips together, seeming to need a moment to digest this information. “But won’t that upset Ethan?” she asks eventually.
“And Asher,” I mumble.
Asher specifically said he didn’t want us to sing a love song because it would hurt Ethan and he couldn’t do that to his brother. Not that he’ll be the one singing – it’s not a duet – but there has been more tension between the two brothers than ever before. My evolving relationship with Asher is the reason for most of it. Singing a solo about how I’m trying not to fall in love and feel things for my stepbrother will only add fuel to the fire and perhaps even push the brothers past their breaking point. MOD will suffer, and the fallout from that could flow down to Jesse and my mum—my family.
Kennedy nods. “Maddie too. She’s not going to like it. And I can’t say I’d blame her for being upset by it, Lilah. I mean, if someone was singing that song about my boyfriend…?”
I turn to her, my stomach churning as the hopeless truth hits me square in the chest. “I can’t sing it, can I?”
“I don’t know,” she admits. “I had to talk you into singing about Asher the first time around, so I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea you could declare your new feelings in front of the school.”
“I know. I just…I let desperation motivate me. I’ve been so desperate to make the showcase, and I kept thinking that this song is my best yet.”
Kennedy reaches out and takes my hand in hers, offering me comfort with a gentle squeeze. “Lilah, the song is amazing. Breathtaking, truly. Somehow, Asher manages to bring out your strongest emotions, and you capture them and write about them so beautifully. But…are you ready for the fallout?”
“I thought I was.”
Seeing my journal open on my desk, however, was a wakeup call. The thought of Ainsley reading my song was enough to send me into a panic attack. Maybe I was a little deluded believing I could go through with it. Perhaps, when push came to shove, I never would have actually been able to do it.
“And now?” Kennedy pushes.
“I’m not so sure,” I admit.
“Are you going to be able to get through dinner?”
I allow myself a second to fantasize about copping out and staying home, making an excuse not to go. But Mum has been looking forward to this night so much, I just can’t do it to her. Besides, I haven’t done anything wrong by writing the song. I haven’t sung it in public yet. Somehow, I have to hold onto that thought if Ainsley starts in on me.
“For my mum, I will.” I motion to my walk-in-robe and stand up on legs that are still shaky. “Grab whatever jacket you want, and let’s do this.”
Asher drives Ethan, Maddie and Ainsley to the restaurant in downtown Rockstar Bay, while Maurice – the Cassidy’s driver – transports Jesse, Mum, Kennedy and myself. After being dropped in the carpark reserved strictly for patrons of the swanky French restaurant, we enter together as one group. Immediately, we’re guided to a round table for eight that has a reserved sign.
A giant chandelier hangs above the table, providing the perfect amount of mood lighting. Dramatic cream and gold curtains have been pulled shut to keep out the dying sun behind us, and plants and metallic dividers surround us on the other sides, giving our table privacy.
Soft French music plays at a reasonable volume that allows us to hear each other, and the scent of French cuisine intrigues my stomach, which has been in knots ever since I realised someone read my journal.
Taking my place between my mother and Kennedy, I realise too late I’m seated directly opposite Asher. Since our conversation the day after Remy’s party, I don’t know how to act around him anymore. It was one thing to hate him, another to know I liked him, and then yet another to have him confess he likes me too.
Sometimes I wonder if he made it all up. After all, he’s still with Maddie. But he had absolutely nothing to gain from lying to me. Moreover, he watches me whenever we’re in the same room. I never noticed it before, but I’m aware of him in a way I can’t turn off. I’m so attuned to him, I feel his every move. His every mood.
It's crazy.
We’ve rehearsed only a few times over the past couple of weeks, and during each rehearsal, I’ve been forced to maintain a physical distance. Because just standing too close to him creates the kind of heat that makes concentrating impossible. Even the lightest of touches is like a lightning strike, sparking intense heat where the contact occurs.
With Ainsley and Ethan here as potential witnesses, I know better than to sneak glances at Asher. Still, I can’t help but look at Asher while he talks to Maddie. Tonight, the dark knit jumper he’s wearing is nearly the same shade as his hair. It’s winter and his tan has faded, causing his dark lashes, dark hair and tattoos to stand out more.
He turns his head quickly and catches me watching him. The shock is too much for me as our gazes collide, jolting my stomach and sending my heart into overdrive.
Ignoring the way my skin flushes and feels all tingly, I drag my gaze away from Asher and meet Ethan’s icy blue eyes. There’s a ghost of a sneer on his lips, and immediately the knot that had started to loosen in my stomach grows tight again. My eyes flit to Ainsley, and I see she’s also watching me. Her smirk turns my concern to nausea.
Tonight is going to be a shitshow.
Jesse orders champagne for all of us. The second he’s finished toasting my mother, I swallow the glassful in two gulps.
“Lilah!” Mum gasps. “You were supposed to sip that.”
My face flushes as I feel everyone’s eyes on me. “Sorry,” I murmur. “I’m still feeling the effects of the panic attack. I thought it might help.”
Mum’s brows knit together, and she visibly pales. “We should have stayed in.”
Regret makes my throat tight. Maybe we should have. Except I hadn’t wanted to ruin her evening. Now, I fear it’s about to be ruined by Ethan or Ainsley anyway. I don’t even know how to warn her of what’s about to go down.
I force a smile. “I’m fine. Really. The alcohol helped.”
Jesse puts his hand on my mum’s. “I’ll get Lilah another one. It’s fine, love.”
Again, my stepdad proves he truly is the best, ordering me another glass and silently instructing me to sip it. I do as he asks, but it’s hard not to want to get bone meltingly drunk. Every minute that passes without Ethan and Ainsley saying something brings me closer to the detonation of a truth bomb that will wreak havoc.
While Kennedy, Mum, Jesse, and Maddie seem happy to carry the conversation, I sit in silence, terrified that anything I say will trigger Ethan or Ainsley. I tune in and out of the conversation until our entrées arrive and Maddie announces she has news.
Only once the server has left us with a sample platter of all the appetisers on the menu does Maddie finish her announcement. “I’m going on tour at the end of the year.” She fixes her soft gaze on Asher now. “And I’m starting my tour in the U.S.”
The smile curling her lips is both sheepish and hopeful. Asher looks too stunned for me to know what he’s thinking. Maddie has just eliminated any roadblocks preventing her from being with Asher at the end of the year, making the small portion of gnocchi I’ve just swallowed turn to a brick in my stomach.
“That’s fantastic news,” Jesse beams. “Well done, Maddie-girl.”
“So well deserved,” Mum says. “You’re such a beautiful singer.”
“And songwriter,” Ainsley gushes. “You’re going to be a superstar.”
Maddie is good. Before she started dating Asher, she was a musician I looked up to. As my feelings for Asher changed, something resembling envy has wound around the vines of respect and admiration that once grew within me and slowly killed them off. And now, they’ve just been ripped out from the ground, leaving me torn and riddled with envy.
Not only does she get to be with Asher and have the career I’ve always dreamed of, but Jesse is looking at her with something akin to fatherly pride. Admittedly, my stepfather has done nothing but treat me like a daughter, but I haven’t proved myself to him yet as a musician. I want that. I wasn’t even aware of how much I wanted that until now.
Ainsley wraps an arm around Maddie’s shoulders. “You and Asher are, like, the perfect couple. He’s going to be a world famous rocker, and you’ll be the darling popstar who caught his eye. It’s a love story the media will lap up.” Ainsley narrows her eyes at me in a way that serves as a warning. “And now they won’t have to separate at the end of the year.”
I look away and try to hide my flinch. Being forced to see Asher and Maddie on the news and all over the web will be torture if I can’t shut off the feelings for my stepbrother. And right now, I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to do that.
As I sit listening to everyone ask Maddie about her upcoming tour, I feel more and more miserable and lost. The future has never looked so bleak or uncertain. Asher and Ethan will leave for the States and take Maddie with them in a few short months. And if I don’t sing the solo I wrote, I’ll be reading my rejection letter from the Australian University of Music.
Do I live with the regret of not putting it all on the line? Or do I sing the solo that could damage my family?
What kind of person am I for even considering option two?
“Lilah?”
I look at Mum, realising I’d completely tuned out and now have no idea why everyone is looking at me.
“Sorry,” I say, letting go of the spoon I was absently spinning. “What did I miss?”
“Jesse asked you whether you’re ready for the duet performance next week?”
Asher’s stare is suddenly burning a hole in the side of my face, but my stomach has just started an Olympic pole-vaulting routine. I don’t want to extend its session by meeting his gaze.
“It’s fine,” I say. “Good, I mean. We’re set. I think.”
Ainsley scoffs and I force myself to ignore her.
“What’s your duet about?” Ethan asks coolly.
The hard look in Ethan’s blue eyes swirl the icy fingers of dread through my insides.
I swallow hard and force myself not to look away from him. I can answer this question without lying or causing problems. “You should know that already; you’ve heard us rehearsing.”
He crosses his arms, narrowing his eyes at me. “You haven’t changed your song recently?”
Refusing to back down or look away, I say, “No. Our duet has not changed.”
“Why are you asking her that?” Asher asks, his gaze flicking between his brother and me.
Ainsley looks positively gleeful when she sees Asher’s confused expression. “We heard Lilah rehearsing a song in the studio yesterday.”
I nearly choke on the champagne I just sipped because, damn it, I triple checked no one was around before I went into the studio to sing. I thought Ethan and Ainsley only knew about my song because of what was in my journal.
Kennedy stiffens beside me, knowing as well as I do that this is it—the shit is about to hit the fan.
And I’m nowhere near ready for the fallout.
“It was a love song, FYI,” Ethan adds, turning his glare upon Asher. “About the stepbrother she used to hate and now wishes she could be with.”
A/N: Hi everyone, this episode ended up being quite long, so I’ve split it into two parts. The second part will be published between Saturday and Monday. XO
Ah explosion!! 🙈 what a cliffhanger!
Great chapter! I was wondering when you will be uploading again.
P.S. I'd love to read more from Asher's POV